I am an Empath. Raised by a father who was a violent psychopath and a mother with narcissistic tendencies (survival mechanism for her). I don't feel guilt, I don't remember ever feeling guilt. My conscience is driven by empathy; my own survival mechanism growing up. If I could accurately intuit the needs of my parents and meet those needs in meaningful ways, I would be safe... Safe from their anger as well as safe from experiencing their personal pain which was even more difficult for me than dealing with my own.
Being an Empath without guilt means I don't blame others either -- no self blame, no blame of others. So I "forgive" easily.. It's not really forgiving because I don't actually blame... But I do let others off the hook easily and am very accepting of others however they come, I don't judge. I am able to love easily. It also meant that I had to learn how to discipline myself and others through love, or easily be taken advantage of repeatedly while never holding the other person responsible for their actions.
The emotional pain of others is painful to me and I avoid being the source of that pain. If I inadvertently hurt someone or even make them uncomfortable, I feel bad because they feel bad and I don't want them or me to feel that way, but I don't feel like I am bad or wrong. Sometimes things happen that are undesirable and I'm just as human as anyone, so I make mistakes... And I ask myself, how can I help make it right or at least better?
I also tend to get a bit annoyed with people who carry a lot if guilt, because I see guilt as selfish... Self-protective, as in "don't hurt me back, see I'm already hurting, nothing left for you to do to me to make this right." If you have done something that caused pain or discomfort in someone else, your focus should primarily be on helping the other person feel better for them, not assuaging your own guilty feelings. That would be like hitting someone with your car and crying on their shoulder at the hospital because you feel terrible about what you did -- it doesn't fit.
I grew up being treated like a prize or a pet, not a person. My parents' focus and mine was on them, not me. In order to survive and be useful, hence worthy of being loved, I needed to focus on them and their needs, not me and my needs. Because I wasn't important enough to have a meaningful impact or to be a source of impact, I didn't need to develop guilt. Instead I developed a hyperactive sense of empathy, which drives me to move people past feelings of pain and discomfort and to avoid being the cause of pain and discomfort, not because I feel guilty or responsible for causing their pain, but because their pain is my pain, so I feel responsible for alleviating their pain in order to alleviate my own.
I'm not invested in making their pain go away, it just helps me feel better to know I am actively participating in moving them through it. Although I have very little tolerance for personality types that enjoy wallowing in misfortune. It feels right that someone should take their time healing, but it seems perverse to me when people revel in suffering.
I think I survived my parents' relationship because I don't feel guilt. I didn't feel responsible or even connected to their arguments and fights, even if it was about me. When my mother blamed me for things she did that bothered my father, it didn't phase me because I didn't feel guilty anyway. And if I got in trouble for something she did, I didn't blame her because I felt worse if she got in trouble (was that hard to follow?!)
I also don't obligate others to feel guilty on my behalf -- except when I'm being playful, or deliberately using it as a tool to inspire change in someone who is attached to guilt (leverage). I already mentioned that it's a self-protective feeling, so it's useless with me because I'm not blaming or trying to get back at anyone anyway. If someone does something that makes me feel bad or causes an inconvenience, I may get angry or feel hurt, but I don't blame or obligate them to be responsible to me, that's up to them to obligate themselves to contribute to making things right. I just look to what they could have done differently and what I could have done differently to avoid feeling bad.
Even with the traumas in my life, I don't place blame in myself or the perpetrator of the offense(s). I simply see it for what it was. It contributed to who I am today, and I love who I am.
I am also not easily offended. What offends me is when my morals are questioned, my family is threatened, my intentions twisted to create misunderstanding. I'm not immune to being hurt, or experiencing self-doubt if someone is mean or does something hurtful, but I'm not "offended" in that I don't feel indignant, like how dare they. I might turn inward and ask myself, what is it about me that made them feel it was ok for them to speak to me that way... How could I have expressed myself differently so they could understand.
Growing up, I was punished whether I did something wrong or not. I was blamed whether I was responsible or not, so my guilt meter is broken. I do things because they are the right thing to do, not in avoidance of guilt.
I don't even believe in punishment. I see prison as an appropriate consequence, not as a punishment. We control our children until they develop self-control. If they don't develop self-control, then the law controls them and police officers will deliver that control, while the courts enforce it through imprisonment. Energetically, if you are violent and malevolent, then you need to live where violence and malevolence lives... Prison.
- Lilly S. Blue
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